Journal

I have officially been writing blog posts for a month. I just put October's writing on a separate page and have a clean slate. My code editor was getting kind of laggy due to how many lines of code I had. I remodled my directory page into something I like, something that matches the style I'm going for. I still have more ideas for what to write, but, due to my recent shedule change at school, I don't have time during the school day to write posts. I have a stupid health class instead a free block and it isn't coming back. I will have to take time after school to write, which will be quite hard as I have no motivation after school, I'm quite tired.

I have started writing my ideas down in my phone's notepad so I don't forget them, also because it was the weekend and I have a no politics rule. Hopefully this can lead to better development of my writing abilities. That's another thing: I was actually starting to write kind of how I wanted to and get off my tongue what I think. I don't know how gravely this new schedule will affect my writing, whether or not I'll write less, or if I might just drop it.
I'll keep this short as I don't have too much to say right now and I'm tired.

5:29pm (11/3/25)

It would really be great if school started later in the day. Like, 8:00+. I think my mood and productivity would be way better. Teachers wouldn't have to be in so early, kids would have more time, in the sunlight, to get ready, and all around things would be better. I know that's how some areas operate, and I know each district has its schedule it needs to follow, so, mixing it up randomly would be a bit difficult.
I think it would be an all around net positive for students and teachers. There's drawbacks I could list, reasons as to why it's not super possible; this is just a bit of a thesis.

I think I'm starting to fall into that dip. I've been more tired, more upset, more and more ready to just stay home. I was in a tiff yesterday which set me down the wrong path. I knew I wouldn't be able to do my work efficiently and it would just be a bad day, so I just went home. Before that I went and ate at a diner and had an omelette. I was planning on cleaning my room some more, not that it's dirty, there's just some stuff piling up. I took a nap, which I really, really shouldn't, and woke up at 9 and was unable to go back to bed. I was up until morning, and I wasn't exactly tired, I just wish I got more sleep. I cleaned the ice off my car and it didn't fog up, I got to everything early and actually went back and finished that quiz I refused to finish yesterday.
As I get further into the year, I just get more tired and unwilling. I'm going to lose this free block after the 31st, which is really upsetting because I actually like not having to do much; that's dragging down my mood.

Things are just looking really uncertain and it's just kinda constantly weighing on me. I don't know.

9:30am (10/28/25)

I washed my bedding and put my futon outside to aerate. I put my other sheets on, which is quite difficult, at 1 in the morning. I went to bed quite late at 2am, and getting up was difficult 'cause I just wanted to sleep a bit more. Each day my morning routine gets pushed further and further ahead in time because I don't get up early enough to allow myself the time to get ready. I rush to get everything ready and out the door, and I end up forgetting to put on deodorant and take my adderall. Then, I have to clean the ice off my car, and take care of the water on the inside of my car on top of everything else.

I hate when people yawn. All throughout the day, people are yawning and falling asleep and teachers have to go over and wake them up. I really don't understand it; I used to have horrible sleep, and I'd have days where I'd be yawning, but that's when I was going to sleep at 5 and getting up at 6, sometimes not even sleeping at all. I have sympathy for people who have jobs because some of these jobs have people working late.
Yawning just makes me upset, it's like when people sneeze more than 2 times in the span of a whole class. I don't know why it gets me, it just does.

I don't know if my shirts are shrinking or if I'm just getting bigger; I hope not. The main thing with it is the length of the shirt, I can deal with a tighter shirt, but, if it doesn't cover a good few inches below my waistline I'm uncomfortable all day. I really do need to go clothes shopping. My shirts are already 3XL, so, I might just be getting bigger. I look at myself and the shirts don't actually seem that tight, it's just around my waist and shoulders, I think.

I'm going to have to get a job. I'm really dipping into my savings and there ain't a stream of money coming in to replace it. The thing is that I'm quite scared of getting one; not that I want to be some kind of lazy bum, but the idea of going someplace for hours a day and hating every second does not attract me. I've had 2 jobs in the 2 years since I was 14. One I had for a few weeks where I dishwashed at a diner (for $8/hour), but they didn't like that I sat down. The other was the filler at an icecream place, which I dreaded going to; I had to do inventory, sweep and mop the floors, touch super-freezing tins that'd probably give you frostbite in you maintained bare-skin contant for more than 10 seconds, wash the empty tins all while doing everything else, and be standing in pain that whole time. That one, at least, paid 13.50. For the 3 days I worked there I got like 200 something.
I'm really scared of hating it so much I quit, or getting fired, or my feet hurting, or everything else. It's quite scary. But, I also don't like being a bum and leeching off my hardworking family, which I really try not to do. I'm only 16; I could be working, but I don't have to. There are kids around me working 2 jobs, which shouldn't be legal (I don't think kids should legally be allowed to work if they're in school).
I've been dreading what kind of job I'd have to get, 'cause I don't ever want to work around food ever again, but all there really is are grocery stores, Walmart, and other bummy places. They'd have me doing some bullshit, I know it.

9:45am (10/24/25)

This week has been especially awful. I've been tired, irritable, brain-foggish, and hot. I had PSATs this week and I forgot to take my Adderall that morning because I was in such a rush, so, I couldn't read that well and there was this kid who skipped basically the whole test and wouldn't stop making noise. I took my first nap in a while that day and it screwed up my sleep; I wasn't tired, but I was super irritable.
I think I did well, but I royally screwed up that last section on the math portion. I wasted my time trying to do this problem that was out of my league and basically ran out of time. It was just a bunch of math I didn't learn, so, I'm not super upset. I think I'm guaranteed at least 1200; my previous score was 1170.

The day after that I was sort of fine until my last class, which everyone just makes noise the whole time. It makes my chest hurt when I'm just super irritated for hours on end. It doesn't help that I'm always stressed about politics and world events. I think I gotta stop interacting with it so much, it's genuinely affecting me.

Today I had a group socratic seminar about US imperialism. I was kind of hyped about it all week, I actually did the pre-work and everything, but, today I wasn't really feeling it. We got into it and I just realized that nobody knows what they're talking about. Or, at least they are just regurtitating talking points and not absorbing just how awful the US is. I chose not to say anything because I simply couldn't convey just how I feel about it, also I was nervous too. They'd get into talking about the points we worked off of, then, they'd excuse US action with some kind of tired neo-liberal justification. I don't think they understood why they just had that kind of talking point ready, it's subliminal, it's been taught to them.
I really wanted to go off, but I didn't. They even asked if I wanted to chime in, because I do actually talk about politics, US imperialism, and the such all time, but I just didn't. My teacher kinda tweaked out 'cause this would have been my moment. But, again, I couldn't simply convey how much vitriolic hate I feel about the US and its actions. The amount of cruelty and evil that the US has done that is just swept under the rug or excused through social-darwinist/neo-liberal thinking. I wrote it all on the grading paper, but I won't say anything in class.
My chest feels funny still. I don't think the adderall helps with the stress and anger.

Edit:

I just wanted to add in something good.
I have been showering more regularly, and washing my clothes regularly instead of waiting to have none left and then waiting more. I got some Soviet pins, ~100 of them, and I wear them on my shirt, but I don't have any clothes that make them stand out or look good; I may go clothes shopping. I'm thinking of washing my sheets and airing out my bed as I've been sleeping on the same thing for a while. I hope this good streak continues, but whatever I have, it's seasonal or monthly.

9:26am/9:36am (10/23/25)

I changed my phone language to Chinese. I think it'll be easier to learn the language if I'm just constantly imersed in it. Speaking of Chinese, I'm not really agreeing with how my teacher teaches it. We learn the sounds, of course, but we don't exactly learn the characters; he puts them on our work and expects us to know them, but we personally don't exactly use them. I do. I've been using Chinese social media since January and have learned enough bits an pieces to be proficient in my Chinese class, I basically spend most of my phone time on it, so, changing my whole phone isn't that much different. Although, I did find 2 new characters that look funny: ta and ao, convex and concave respectively.

My brain fog is gone and waking up is easy, but going to bed is especially hard; I just sit there for hours until I randomly fall asleep. My friend got his liscense and I think he's going to start driving himself, which is great, but, he was kind of the only thing actually getting me up in the morning and to school. 8th and 9th grade were horrible for me. I was in and out of school because I was so tired and there was no motivation to even get up. When I got my liscense, it meant I could go on my own time and not have to be on the bus like 30 minutes before school even started. If he starts driving, I might lose my reason to be punctual and fall back into my middle school years, especially with my "seasonal" depression that comes and goes.

10:43am (10/9/25)

I have been having some serious brain-fog recently. I haven't been getting to my website because I'd much rather sleep during my free block. I also have a school assignment I chose to do on my website, which I can't access outside of the library computers. Although, I get home and then try to nap, but just end up sitting in bed on my phone until like 10:00. I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but it's been keeping me from schoolwork.

Greta Thunberg and multiple other kidnapees have just returned from Israel to tell their story. It's sick the things that went on there. And, yet, Israel gets to lie even more: "they had water, they had legal aid, they had food." And it just keeps going. I do think it's good, though, that most (some are still in Israel, like Mandla Mandela and others) have been able to come back and tell what happened.

Today also marks the 2 year anniversary of October 7th.

3:37pm (10/7/25)

Today I was in a good mood because I had learned that, even though the Global Sumud Flotialla had been intercepted, the distraction made by the flotilla allowed Gazans to safely fish for the first time in years (after the full ban in January). The Israel Navy was so occupied with the boats that they forgot to shoot at the Gazans trying to get food. I was also reminded of the international protests against Israel throughout Europe and the US, and that other countries are still calling Israel out for their illegal actions.

All in all, though, the day was still the same. I did my schoolwork and went home.

3:37pm (10/3/25)

I reread Catcher in the Rye for the second time just recently. It's become my favorite book and I've challenged myself to read it annually. I sort of do it to make sure I can still read well, what with my ADHD and Summer keeping me from reading in school.
It was the precursor to me reading the Communist Manifesto, something I should have read years ago. I have been interacting with communist ideas for years, but never really read past Principles and I was getting self-conscious about my ability to argue and understand the concept, so, I decided to set on a path and actually read the theory. Not that I have no idea what it is, it's just that you should be as educated as possible if your going to make it a thing. I haven't finished reading Wage Labour and Capital because I've been working on my websites during my free block.

I used to have all 4s in my classes, but my math teacher gave me 3s, so my GPA went from a nice 4 to a 3.66. I have been surprisingly on top of things this year. 8th, 9th, and 10th were pretty bad years that totally screwed me up. I'm on top of my schoolwork for the first time in years, I show up to school everyday, and it's not as hard to get out of bed. Things are getting better.
That's sort of ruined, though, because I've been quite stressed for the past year. I have been illucidated on Israel-Palestine history and current events, not to mention US current events, and it has all made me quite stressed, frustrated, and uneasy. It's sort of a burden, it keeps me up at night. That on top of my horrible school schedule; it's like the people selected as horrible of a group as possible for each class. There are kids who misbehave, but it's mainly the noise. I've always been sensitive to noise, but, ever since I started taking my Adderall regularly, it's like it's amplified and everything gets on my nerves and makes me stressed.

7:33pm (10/1/25)